Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
