id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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