i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize