Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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