there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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