i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize