It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize