There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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