her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
