ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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