My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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