I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
