He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
