His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
