im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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