i would punch a child for taco bell
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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