Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize