i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
