I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
