Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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