Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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