the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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