I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
