Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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