i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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