$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
