just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
