i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
