so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
