11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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