Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
