imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
