my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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