That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
