dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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