We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
