I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
