Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
