I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
