no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
