he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
