i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
