I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize