i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
