I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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