I wish they made helmets for livers.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
being pregnant is like rehab
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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