I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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