i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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