Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
