Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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