I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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