I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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