i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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