every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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