why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
