And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
