So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
